Chondrosarcoma – ah shit, bob's sick

Just a quick post for this evening about some site changes I’ve made.
I started a new category of post, that once again will not be published on the front page of the site. It’s called “The View From Inside”. These are at times, deeply personal writings about life with cancer and how it effects my life, and those around me, as time goes on.

In some sense you can say that about the entire blog … but these may be a bit rougher in nature when it comes to matters like life and death.

A lot of what’s said here, may not have even played a role, during any point of the experience … they are merely thoughts that poured through my mind at some point. I have kept an exquisite set of notes to work from, and am now beginning to do so.

So understand, this is certainly not required reading to know what’s happening now in my life …but just like the Health Reports, it’s there if you have an interest.

They are not necessarily philosophical, nor do they have any deeper meaning then what is implied, there’s no magic … just “good old” inner thoughts, feelings and observations by a cancer patient.

There’s a link in the right-hand column, or click below
The View From Inside

Note: Recovered from New Years Eve … slept well last nigt for the first time in two weeks.

Name the area(s) that have pain: Hip, Back, Right Leg, Body
Pain intensity: 3

Physical Symptoms:
Overall Morning Pain Level: (9:am) 1-10 / (3 )
How Well Did You Sleep: 1-10 / (10 )  9  hrs.
You Woke Up Feeling: 1-10 / (6-7 )

Overall Afternoon Pain Level: (Noon): 1-10 / ( 3)
What is your fatigue level: 1-10 / ( 5)
How is your appetite: 1-10 / (5 )
How is your walking ability: 1-10 / ( 6)

Overall Evening Pain Level: (7pm) 1-10 / (4 )
What is your fatigue level: 1-10 / ( 5)
How is your appetite: 1-10 / (5 )
How is my walking ability: 1-10 / ( 6)

Afternoon Nap:  one hour

Mental, Cognitive & Emotional:
How is my ability to think: 1-10 / (9 ) 
How anxious do I feel: 1-10 / (0 )
How depressed do I feel: 1-10 / (0 )
How angry do I feel: 1-10 / ( 0)
How irritable am I: 1-10 / ( 0)
How happy am I: 1-10 / (8-9 )
How is my relationships with others affected: 1-10 / (0 )
How is my enjoyment of life affected: 1-10 / (0 )

Exacerbating Symptoms:
Family/Home Stress Level: 1-10 / (0 )
Job stress level: 1-10 / ( 0)
Other: 1-10 / ( 3) Blue Cross ( )
Current weather conditions: 32degrees – snow

Medications:
30mg morphine(s)  7pm. – 
10/650mg vicoden(s)  5pm -
Overall day : 8

Saturday, January 02, 2010
The View From Here: Holiday After-Thoughts

To be open and honest (my 2010 New Years Resolution), I was somewhat nervous about the approaching holidays this year. And I’m not even sure that nervous is the right word that I want to use here, maybe it’s anxious, or stressed … definitely somewhere in between these words though.

As the Holidays got closer, I had a few concerns, and clearly legitimate ones I might add, that I was worried about. I sort of felt pressured, not by any individual, but by the whole idea of having to be, well … in the spirit of the holidays.

It’s not that I was feeling sick or ill, but I was having new holiday feelings that weren’t quite the same as they’d been for most of my life. Who can blame me for that?, things just aren’t the same as they used to be and with good reason. These new perspectives on the holidays really caught me by surprise and so I thought I’d mention them … talk about them. Maybe sometime you’ll be in a similar situation and remember this. Maybe someone you love will be facing a similar scene in their lives … who knows? But these are some of the things that made facing the holidays difficult for me.

Now we all know the pressure that can come along with Christmas and New Years. Not just the financial side of things, but there’s family coming, friends stopping by, gifts to purchase, foods to pick out, cookies to bake … all that kind of stuff. But there was one particular thing I wasn’t quite ready for. Something I hadn’t really thought about ahead of time … and I had a rough time dealing with it.

This year, Sher played a huge role in preparing for the holidays at our house. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t for her efforts, our celebration would have been down to a bare minimum. Not because I wasn’t into the spirit of it … but mainly because I felt I didn’t have the energy to spare at the time. I was only out of therapy for two weeks, still fighting radiation sickness and burns, a light touch of depression and struggling in general with adjusting to going back to work and a small array of other little things in life.

Sher had done most of the gift shopping, baked the cookies, helped set up the holiday tree, some of the meal planning. You know, she got into it, and in a big way. This was something we usually shared in the past, but this year she took an aggressive approach, and frankly if she hadn’t, we would’ve had a much lesser holiday.

But at some point along the way, she asked me “what I wanted as a holiday gift”?

I hadn’t really given it any previous thought, and I’m not sure why that was … but I just hadn’t, and now I had to come up with something. Some gift idea(s).

I started to think about what I might want or need as a gift, and not only from her … but also from her two sons, and my son Alberic.

Well, this turned out to be a bigger problem then I ever imagined it would be. Now in the past, generally speaking I’d have no problem coming up with a short list of things I could use. I can always use a new tool of some sort, or a new sweater, piece of software … like anyone else, there’s always things we want or would like.

However, in very recent times, I’d been thinking about getting rid of things! You know, “cleaning house” sort of speak. Common sense tells me that I’m not going to stay healthy for that much longer, and that being the logically minded bastard I am, I’m not in a hurry to leave a huge mess of stuff behind when I do go. Why would I want to leave my mate with a barn full of stuff she probably couldn’t even identify let alone use?

I’ve been thinking about this very seriously … I mean at this point in life, and with the reality of what I’m facing … what is it in the material world that could possibly need? I’m not a kid that hasn’t had the chance to own his own car, or boat or anything like that. I’ve had it all at one time or another and I’m truly satisfied with all that I have. I don’t need … anything!

And, to make matters worse, I really don’t like to waste money on useless things. It’s just not my way. I had already decided that unless it was a new computer that I might need to continue working from home, that I was no longer going to purchase anything unless I really, really needed it … period.

It’s not lack of holiday spirit or anything like that … but what the hell am I going to do with it? I can’t really do many chores around the house any longer, and I have a life-time of stuff I want to get rid of.

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