Chondrosarcoma – ah shit, bob's sick

It’s been an unbelievably busy few weeks (it’s almost a month since I’ve posted anything) … with summer drawing to a close, the gardens finishing up, school starting and the beginning of winter preparations, it seems almost unfair that summer goes by so quickly. I can see the days are already getting shorter and as the length of sunlight shortens with each day, I feel less and less prepared for another fall and winter.

As my “todo” list continues getting longer, my energy levels certainly don’t seem to be keeping pace. As I look at the stack of mail, forms, credit card offers, catalogs, school papers and everything else on my desk, I feel stressed about keeping up with it all … but life must go on … right?

Just the stack of papers and forms Alberic brought home from the first day of school was simply over-whelming. Filling out your name and address twenty times (once for each form), just seems so unnecessarily wasteful. Couldn’t it be done just once?, can’t the school departments share information?

It seems this past year that Sher and I have spent more time filling out paperwork then we have anything else … and I feel bad about that … and worse yet, I don’t like supporting cutting down all those trees for such ridiculous reasons. It just isn’t a good enough system.

So this evening I decide to push it all to the side and write what I felt like writing and getting the other stuff off my mind for a bit.

This past weekend (even though we were already too busy) we had one of Sher’s children and a few their friends spend a couple days at our house. It was fun to see them and they had a blast with Alberic playing games both inside and out. One of the inside games we played was RockBand, and it was the first time that we played with four and five people. We really had a band going with two guitars, two microphones, drums and a bass guitar … lot of fun.

We ripped through the Beatles CD and a ton of downloaded tunes from the RockBand store. Great fun with everyone taking turns playing and singing. I must admit that Alberic (even though he was the youngest), had them pretty much beat. He is truly catching the grasp of what music is all about … and I think that’s cool.

Playing music is something that was in my house as a youngster and I believe it’s a great way for a family to spend time together. Like riding a bicycle, it’s something you never forget … you may get out of practice … but you don’t forget.

Health wise, I’ve been feeling “on again, off again”. Every time I feel like I’m building my strength and energy levels back up, I seem to get “pushed” back down again by one thing or another. We’ve had a few recent situations that have caused me (both Sher and I) some serious concern, but I decided to hold off a bit (not see the doctor) and see how things developed, in hindsight, I can now say, I’m glad I did. But it’s a tricky, risky, situation and maybe not the wisest thing to do. I’m not really sure.

It’s strange, but I feel obligated to explain myself and express my deepest thoughts on the way(s) that I may, or may not, refuse or accept, any further treatment for physical or mental changes, in a timely manner, if certain situations were to arise.

Understand what I’m saying?

Decisions like this are very personal and I am well aware that a price (whether it be large or small) is to be paid each time a situation comes up. I feel (I should say, I know), that the chances are great, that many more of these instances are to come in the future and that it’s of the utmost importance that it be understood for the sake of sanity in our household, , and those that work to help me maintain a reasonable quality of life.

Living with cancer requires a different level or kind of thought to manage life’s responsibilities. You tend to focus on the short term, you have to, there is always that little voice in the back of your head, that reminds you … “this isn’t going to last forever”. It’s a safety switch to be honest.

A safety switch in the sense that it prevents you from looking at unrealistically long term projects. It keeps you focused by forcing you to stay on top of what you have going and not drift into other things you’ll never finish.

Between you and I, I am not in a hurry to make anymore big changes in my life because for me, there is no going back, there’s no time … no time to waste that is.

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This morning, once again, as often happens, I woke up with a song running through my head like an old steam train barreling down the tracks at top speed, funny how that happens every now and then, and I have no idea why. Haven’t heard the song in a long, long time, but I can remember the words like it was yesterday that I had. I just couldn’t get it out of my head, that deep, rich voice resonated through my mind as I made my way towards the morning coffee pot.

Yep, it was an old Johnny Cash song called “Five Feet High and Rising”. The true story about the Cash family farm (Dyess, Arkansas) in the 1937 Mississippi River flood and how the water kept rising until the chickens, cows and everything else farm, were under water.

At one point, as Johnny Cash’s father (Ray Cash) recalled the story, he walked into the house to pull some last things out before the flood entirely took over, and saw that the farm’s hens had moved straw into the house and made new nests on the living room couch and were laying their eggs.

Pouring my first coffee of the morning, I just had to sing a line of the chorus, I tried to sing quietly (Sher was still asleep), yet in the deepest tone I could muster, I blurted out:
‘How high’s the water Mama?’, ‘two-foot high and rising’.
‘How high’s the water Papa?’, ‘She said, it’s two-foot high and rising’.

Can you see this image in your minds eye? A young farm boy asking his mother how high the water was rising. A young boy perhaps, but old enough to know there was trouble ahead. Can you see the fear in his eyes? … fear of the unknown… and it was still raining hard, pouring in fact, as Mama was gathering the few precious family treasures to take.

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Seemed so quiet around the house today. It’s been a long time since I’ve spent any time alone at home. Sher has gone South to see relatives for a few days and Alberic has headed off to Summer Camp for a week. So it’s me, two cats, and a dog for the next few days! You heard right … I’m fending for myself and doing damn well at it too .

So what did I do with all this time on my hands? Well, today’s weather was just the perfect Vermont summer day. There’s a wonderful breeze, about seventy-five to eighty degrees and just simply lovely. What a day to be alive! I decided I’d take a short walk through our woods and check things out.

I haven’t walked our property very much this past year and with no one around I could take my time, move at my own pace, and rest whenever I wanted to. Not that others rush me, but I always feel obliged to try and keep up with others and not slow the pace too much.
For those that walk through the woods now and then, you know the forest and streams are always changing. They grow and the stream change shape with new twists and turns. New trees and plants pop up, and you can usually see the tracks of deer and moose and others that pass through in search of food, water and refuge.

I love walking the forest and the peace of mind that comes from spending time there. I mean just think about the word forest … “for-rest” … need I say more? I always feel like I can think clearer after a walk, I’m more in touch with myself, my emotions, and it always increases creative thought. After walking through the woods I always want to spend the rest of my day writing, painting or playing music. For me, it’s the biggest “turn on” when it comes to creativity and keeping that edge sharp.

Today I took my camera and walked the trails I’ve cut and maintained over the years. The ponds and streams were full of fish, frogs and others, splashing as I walked by as if to say “come join us”. One section of the trail follows the stream a distance and it was simply incredible to see all the life in the water. That’s one of the great things about having ponds and stream to walk … everything in the forest comes for water, so it’s always lively. I crossed a deer run and saw those fresh little “rasinettes” as evidence that they’d recently traveled through on their way to drink.

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