A Quick Morning Post (Saturday, August 29, 2009 – 8am)
Oh Lord, Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood, (Eric Burton, The Animals).
A Quick Morning Post (Saturday, August 29, 2009 – 8am)
Let me explain why I’m writing this blog in the first place and what it purposes and goals hopefully are. I know, there are millions of spelling mistakes, parts that don’t quite make sense, paragraphs that probably need to be moved around … but that’s part of the idea. I want it uncensored sort of speak, unplugged, raw. For those that know me well, you might even say its part of the “art” in me.
Let’s look at it from the angle of “me” first. I’m not writing this (btw, I don’t consider myself a writer by any stretch of the word), with the only intent being, informative to friends and family. First and foremost, I’m writing it to record how I feel at the moment and secondly to get it “off my chest” before I go to sleep at night. If I don’t face the days events, I feel like I’ll go nuts, as in crazy.
These are my thoughts, not necessarily my actions. Get that clear in your head everytime you read this blog. When something like this happens to you (or someone you know and love), millions of thoughts run through your head and what I’m doing, is trying to record those thoughts. First, for my own self. So that I can organize the information coming in. Then, I’m allowing others to read those thoughts because I think it’s important knowledge for everyone to have. The reasoning behind my actions, that’s what you’re reading.
Before I went to sleep last night, Sher had read part of the previous post and started to cry, “you’re not a burden on us”. I said to her that, that was a thought that came through my head, not necessarily how I feel and more importantly, not something I’m basing my decisions on. Just a thought, that simple. Now, I bet you could ask any cancer victim that was sitting in my shoes, if thoughts like that ran through their head and they’d give you the same answer. Yes, of course they do.
Dealing with cancer and death is a process. A process that you have to go through, in order to become “solid” with yourself. To be sure you’re making the right decisions for you and those around you. What I’m doing is letting it all out on my keyboard.
What would the purpose of the blog be if I held back the “real” stuff? I don’t think you’d want me to. I don’t want to. Anytime we make a decision about anything, even as simple as “what do you feel like for lunch today”, we go through a thought process to determine what it is we feel like eating. Well, it’s the same thing. Burgers and Fries, nah … let me see, how about a chicken salad sandwich?, nah, I know how about a BLT! … you know, you go through a list of things you like and then decide. That’s what I’m doing here on the blog. As simple as that. So, friends and family, noble country men, and all who read this blog. If I say something on this blog, and it doesn’t agree with you or you don’t understand it. It is simply the thought process at work.
Yesterday, after seeing Dr. Delaney, Sher and I drove over to Cambridge to have lunch and meet up with her son, Mike. We sat outside on a bench in front of part of the M.I.T. buildings and talked about what we had just experienced in the Dr.s office. I said to Mike, that my first impression or thoughts about trying this experimental proton therapy was that I’d do it. (Mike’s 24 years old, just got his Master’s. I’m so proud of him that I can’t really put it into words) Yes, I wanted to try the experiment even though I’d be the first to ever have such therapy done, on such a large tumor. There’s no past data to go by, so how can they tell you what will happen? My thought behind that was, “maybe it’ll help someone else in the future”, maybe some kid out there has the same tumor and cancer as I do and it might help them. What’s wrong with helping science?
Now, I didn’t hop back in the car and go sign up, but I did record that thought as something I should weigh when I do make my decision. And that my friends, is what you’re reading when you read this blog. Mainly my thoughts.
It’s only been a few weeks and very few, if any, decisions have been made. We have been gathering data, deciphering that data, and running it through for a first pass on the decision making process.
