Chondrosarcoma – ah shit, bob's sick

Last winter(2009), while I spent those incredible three months in Boston receiving proton treatments for a cancer that I’d never even heard of before, and one that had a good chance of bringing my life as I knew it, to a screeching halt. I found myself with this profound desire to record the entire experience … but why?

One of the primary things that helped me through that experience was that I wrote and photographed my way through it … and as many of you know I “blogged” a lot of it right here. I also managed to stash away as many notes as I could for later on … I had no idea what I might do with them … but I simply wanted and needed to get it off my mind, I wrote and photographed every day. No matter how bad or sick I was feeling, I made sure that I’d least make some kind of journal or blog entry and try to photograph something.

Flash forward a few months and you know I’ve been working everyday at my job, and running a part-time server and web-hosting business from home, and basically you’ve got a handle on the bulk of my daily activity. I’ve been working … and that’s a good thing, believe me, I’d go nuts without it.

It’s been just about 6 months since I finished treatment (last holiday season) and I feel like I’ve been learning a lot (actually an incredible amount) about living with cancer … after-all , that is my current situation. To live everyday with the challenges and discomforts, and all the other strange things that a cancer can do to your body and mind. I’ve learned, … adjusting as I go along, making life as comfortable and as productive as I can.

I’ve also learned that I can understand, and relate to, any other person’s life-condition. Which in itself, is a very powerful thing.
I find I have a commonality with so many people … as though I’m part of a group of special people that are surviving in a special environment that not everyone has the pleasure to experience. I mean that seriously.

I know there’s a lot of people out there that think “oh those poor suckers, how do they do it?” But do you know what I’m finding? What the truth is? There are many like me and you know, we don’t bullshit each other. There’s a silent understanding between those that are in a similar condition or situation …. and it can provide for a wonderful experience if you open up to it and just let it flow from you.
There’s nothing like being in the “driver’s seat”, first-hand experience is (unfortunately), the way to go here or at least it is for me. It’s this commonality, that brings me to my latest photography project.

I’ll leave out the story of my life’s photographic experience mainly because it spans over a lifetime and I’m not really sure that it’s relative to this project. I will say that since I was a teenager and had built my first darkroom, developed my owns films, printed my own photographs, I’ve never really stopped. Camera’s changed, darkrooms turned into computers … but the art of taking a relatively decent photograph hasn’t really changed.

Back to today: The Project,
Here’s what’s so strange… I don’t know if it’s some personic magnetism, some kind of karma, so called fate (call it what you will) … but since my own personal experience with cancer, which simply isn’t that long ago, I’ve met so many people with similar cancers, tumors, and other totally debilitating diseases … that it must be, meant to be. For some unknown reason this is being literally shoved in my face and I just can’t ignore it any longer.

Karma has a funny way of guiding you to where you ought to be, and then it’s up to you, to do with it what you will. Between that thought, and an uncontrollable desire or need to photograph and write about my experience, and the meeting of so many others, has led me to the point of bringing this experience to others in a way that may be useful. A way they’ve never experienced before. To see life with cancer under a different light.

What I’m hoping to produce are some “real-life” photo essays on life with cancer. That’s right, I want to photograph myself, friends and acquaintances, all with the commonality of cancer.

But there’s an different angle to these that I want to try and capture, that isn’t normally shown in the pamphlets, brochures, TV ads and all the typical places that the average person sees cancer.

Many of us have had a relative or family member that went through the cancer experience, maybe when we were younger and didn’t really understand what it is to live with it … or we’ve heard and read stories about the Lance Armstrongs of the world, but me?, I want to show real life.

I want to offer a message to those entering the “world of cancer” that this is what to expect, and to prepare for dealing with it. One of the most disappointing things in my life, was when I was first diagnosed with cancer and realized that for my kind of cancer there was absolutely no information available about what to expect. Not even after Google-ing it did I find anything on what to really expect. Let me tell you, that sucked.

How I plan (hopefully) to do it:
I’m hoping the subjects of the photos () will show a piece of their life that has changed or has been effected in some way because of their cancer. A piece of reality. But I’m leaving that decision up to them, whatever they want to show or whatever message they wish to convey. I’ll try and capture on film. Because they are in all different stages of their experience, I suspect it may take several sessions of photographing them, over a period of time. But I’ll take whatever I can get for my project.

What I’m most surprised at, is how “open” people (the ones I’ve already asked to partake in) have been with this …. it’s intensely personal and I expected to be refused by 99% of them …. but instead, I’ve had a 100% acceptance rate! I have to date asked five people to allow me to photograph them while they experience their “trip” and amazingly. everyone one has excepted.

Maybe it’s part of my having cancer that allows them to be comfortable knowing the photographer is in the same” boat”, or maybe it’s a chance to express their feelings, let out emotional stresses …. I don’t know, but it’s certainly not what I expected.

I know it’s an unusual thing to do, an unusual request to ask for, but people, all people seem to be interested in this . I knew I was interested … but never thought others would be so willing too. I think by allowing them (the cancer patient) to choose the activities, they seem to be expressing “life with illness” all be themselves and that’s the intent.

I’m doing most of the photos in old-fashioned black and white with a slight sepia tone. I think those photos tend to show emotion much better then color. I’ve added one to the bottom of this post for you to see the quality, of course these have been reduced in size for the web, but they average about 36 meg each. They could be printed as large as an average poster and be crystal clear.

I’m looking for shots that are powerful and express “life with cancer” … it can take hundreds of photos of each subject to capture this emotional expression that I’m looking for.

Now, I have not included any of the real photo’s I’ve taken for the simple reason that I’m holding them back until I have enough to do a size-able and impressive showing, so don’t expect to see any on the blog for some time to come.

As examples of the kind of expressions I’m looking for:
In my case, as odd as this may sound, one of the most difficult things I experienced in the beginning of all this and during treatment was shaving. I know that sounds crazy but here’s the scoop. In order to shave in our mirror, I had to bend slightly forward to see clearly … you know, move closer to the mirror, lean forward just a bit. However, this position was very difficult for me to hold because of my lower spine had been so messed up by the cancer and basically cooked during treatment. So one of my pictures is a photograph of me shaving in my new mirror that pulls away from the wall. A simple change in a bathroom fixture, that made a huge change in my ability to shave and care for myself.

Get the idea? … this is the type thing I’m looking for. Adjustments, changes, fixes … these are the things people aren’t told about, they’re not ready for. I also plan to write or ask the subject to write a small piece about their experience and what the photo is about. An extended caption you might call it.

What other things could be effected? Think about it?

Why am I doing this?
To be totally honest, I’m not really sure. There is simply some driving force telling me to be artful and produce something so that others can see what living with cancer is like … you know it’s not all bad, it’s a lot of adjusting and things you always took for granted don’t quite work the same. But we find ways around them and move forward.
Anyways, if you know me, and you see me with a camera in hand, I may be asking you to partake in this adventure. Yep, you’ll be asked to sign a photo release form, you’ll be welcome to digital copies of all your photos taken, and you may be helping someone in the future” get a handle” on what we’ve gone through.

If you have an interest in being involved with this, or know someone who may have … get in touch.

If you click on the photo below you’ll get a larger version for inspection of the quality. This photo probably won’t be included in the collection and it’s being posted only as an example.
A simple self portrait.
More to come.