We’ve all heard that before right? Well think about this for a while.
There are two things that drove me to write this evening’s post. It’s funny that sometimes one little sentence or statement can be a driving force for a person to do something, or write something that otherwise they may have never done or said.
Although the two comments aren’t really related in any way, in another way, they are. They came from two different discussions, about two different topics and somehow they are both so important, that they became the driving force for me to write tonight, and not just this post, but this entire blog and to keep it going.
First off, let me explain to those that didn’t know they could even leave me a comment here, how it works. In order to read comments that folks have made on a post, you simply have to click the title of the post and it’ll refresh the page with the comments at the bottom. I should also mention that only folks that have an account on the site, can leave comments. You can get an account simply by following the instructions on the Contacting Bob page. I did this so that keeping spammers out of the blog was easier, faster and less of a pain in the butt. It’s important to me that all comments on this blog are real and that no spammers get in. This blog is now my “living art”, and I want to keep it that way for as long as I have the energy to keep it up. I do consider this blog very important, not only to myself but others in similar situations.
The first thing, was a comment on Friday’s post from my long time friend and buddy Ray L. (http://www.streamingoldies.com). Now understand that the relationship I have with Ray, covers a huge, oh what’s the word I want … a huge area of my life. I mean everything from business to arguments to, you name it, we’ve been through it together. I have the utmost respect for Ray and I know that he has the same for me. We are friends for life and that’s that.
Ray’s comment went like this:
“I hope you truly realize how important this blog is to those of us who deeply care about you. Frankly I don’t know how you have the energy to write (and in such exquisite detail) the events of each day but reading it has become the way I end my day. Knowing you’re doing okay makes us all feel a little bit better.”
I replied quickly, early that morning BC (before coffee), and have been thinking about my reply, on and off ever since. Part of my reply was:
“I only wish I had more time to dedicate to this type of writing. I’d love to spend the rest of MY days, talking, writing and interviewing others, about “life with cancer” , and publishing their “real” stories too, with “no holds barred” detail”.
The second thing, that drove me to this post was an email from my dear friend Rose in Sweden, that is dealing with a similar situation in her life … and dealing with it for a full thirteen years. Although Rose and I have never met in person (we have spoke on the phone), I feel like we have, and that she has been a friend all my life. We have a powerful email relationship that has been going on for years and have confided in many of life’s experiences, both good and bad, with each other. She is without a doubt a most powerful and inspirational woman, I am proud and honored to know her. She is a special person.
Rose had sent me an email saying (amongst other things), that this coming Wednesday, she was returning to the doctors who, had not long ago, performed a throat surgery for tumors in her throat, to discuss whether the tumors were benign or malignant, and what this holds for the future.
Rose has a history of brain tumors that were discovered in 1994 and has been battling this stuff ever since. Like me, she has had to alter her life, and learn to live a day at a time. As a matter of fact, it was Rose that suggested that I live that way … and she was right!
I replied to Rose in part:
“Sorry to hear you have to go through that experience. I have had similar appointments and to be honest, sometimes I just don’t want to know! …. what will it change? … what good will the knowledge do? …. but other times I think, well if they catch something in time, they may be able to “buy me more time” from it.
So it’s a toss up … “to know, or not to know, that is the question” … almost a famous quote?.”
Like my comment to Ray, this kept echoing in my mind all day also, “to know, or not to know, that is the question” …
So, I want to reply in detail to both my friends, what I truly meant by my comments.
I had replied to Ray basically that:
“I only wish I had more time to dedicate to this type of writing. I’d love to spend the rest of MY days, talking, writing and interviewing others, about “life with cancer” , and publishing their “real” stories too, with “no holds barred” detail”.
All day long that statement has been running through my mind, what a powerful thought it was, but it led to other common sense questions.
Could I really do that?
Could I really spend the rest of my life dealing with other people’s stories (including my own), about their individual cancers and the struggle they have controlling life as their clocks keep ticking?
The struggle in family life, the financial struggle and the personal struggle that simply crushes any dreams and plans you may have made about retirement, vacations and all the like?
The absolutely mind-boggling effects that these treatments have on your body and mind, and maybe more importantly, the constant barrage of tests that are done, to determine if what they’re doing, is actually doing any good?
Could I really do that?
You bet your “sweet patooties” I could. Not only that, but I’d love doing it too. I truly feel there isn’t enough of this type material (for all age groups) to read out there. The point is, cancer can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter if your wealthy or poor, republican or democrat, black or white, if you speak English or Spanish, young or old, male or female … none of that matters. None of it at all, it can just happen to you like it happened to me. You can sit back your whole life and say, “man, I’m so lucky that I’m not like that” … and then wack! One day (repeat), in one day, you are.
My thing is, that there isn’t enough of these stories being told by the people that experience it, and for the others to even understand what they ought to be looking out for, or be aware of.
Look at me for example, a measly two weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer I was fine. I was working every week in NYC and Boston … yep, driving down there every week. I had just bought a new car (standard shift too), I just signed on to a new job. I was going “full guns ahead”! Fifty-six years old, and in fine health … and in one day, in one conversation, all that changed and I started to get sick.
I know that sounds impossible, and it was just as impossible for my mind to accept it.
This is an unbelievable but true statement. Before going to the Cox Cancer Center at MGH for treatments, I used to drive by it every week (on Fridays). I’d stop at the traffic light on the corner of Grove Street and let the cancer patients take their time crossing the street to enter the doors of the Main Building of the campus. I remember thinking, as though it was yesterday, “I’m so lucky to be healthy, what would life be like that … those poor people … how do they do it?, day in, and day out. God, I’d want to die if I ever got like that”.
KaBooooom! Here I am, 2 months later. Now I’m crossing Grove Street, waiting for the traffic to clear so I can slowly make my way to other side. Weird you say? … yes, but 100% true. Now I’m one of them.
Sometimes, it makes me think I was meant to experience this for some, yet unknown, purpose. How could it be, that I lived on both sides of Grove Street within a few months? I’ll never know why, but what I do know, is that I’m driven and compelled to tell this story for a purpose. Somewhere, someday, somehow … it’ll pay off for some one.
So yeah, if I could, if I could financially afford to go and interview, talk to, record and write about people with real cancer issues, I would. I would make it my new life’s mission. And believe me, they all have a story as powerful as mine to tell. I’m not special, I’m just another statistic on the broader picture of the world health issues we’re facing today and more people should be aware of that.
Rose’s reply is different. Does a cancer patient really want to know, if the treatments or drugs they are using or receiving, are doing any good? … and if so, does/will it make any difference to them?
For the rest of our lives, both Rose and I (and all others like us), have to receive full body scans every either 3, 4, or 6 months. The purpose of this is pretty obvious, the doctors are out to get an early jump on anything else that may pop up. Like another cancer, or more of the same cancer, tumors … whatever.
I asked myself, well do I really want to know that at this point. They’ve already told me that if these treatments do not halt the growth of my cancer, there isn’t much else they can do except make it as comfortable as possible for me … so do I really want to know that? Frankly, I don’t think I give a damn at this point. What the hells the purpose?
It’s not going to scare me anymore, I’ve already been there, and done that. I don’t think it’s going to shake up my friends and family anymore, they’ve already got an understanding. So why bother? …. Why drill it into a person that already understands their time is limited (we all are anyway in a sense).
When you have something like this, you start to look at life and the time you have left a little differently then you used to. I used to think “gee, I’ll rent this place for next years vacation too”, or “the next time I buy a new car, I’ll get a convertible”. No, no, no … you don’t think like that any longer when you have cancer. I don’t even think about what I might want for lunch tomorrow. First, I wait till I wake up that day, and then I might think about lunch.
However, that is one of the benefits of still being able to work. Work does force a perspective of tomorrow on you and that is a good thing … but for many, there is no more work. I’m lucky there, I have plenty of work and a whole group of folks rooting for me. Rose was forced to retire. Point is, does it really matter?
To me, it doesn’t. Believe me, now I’m in tune, I’ll know if I’m getting sicker before they do. Physical deterioration is something I feel every day, not that I’m hung up on it, but I’m very aware of changes in my body now.
You can say that maybe, if they catch new growth early enough, you might buy a little more time. But each time that happens, there’s less and less of you that wants to survive. Life quality issue … as simple as that.
So a cancer patient may ask him or her self that very simple question and be justified in doing so.
To know or not to know … that is the question.
Wasn’t that a famous quote?
… I’m kind of glad the holidays are over, as much fun as they were … they are equally as draining as they are. It’ll be good to have a rest.
