Chondrosarcoma – ah shit, bob's sick

The song that’s on my mind:

Stop The World and Let Me Off – John Doe and the Sadies

I realized today, that one of the important or big things that was applying so much pressure, not only to me, but to my entire household including Sher and everything and one around us, was the fact that everyone and thing around us was in a hurry! What I mean by that is this.

The hospital (not just Dartmouth, but any hospital), although their intent was good and justified (sort of), seemed to be in a hurry to herd me through the doors and get me operated on asap. According to our first estimates of time for my survival, I shouldn’t have lived long enough to even be writing this post today! Then, I was originally scheduled to be operated on today!

What the heck’s the hurry? It’s like, OMG you have cancer! Hurry up, get in here tomorrow, rush rush, get in this wheel chair, pee in this bag, get this radiation, how ya feelin? Better? Oops, time to do another operation, now, hurry up…

I mean, I understand and appreciate the urgency of the situation, and that some need to be helped along the path, but you just have to give people (and especially their families), some time to adjust to what’s coming at them. I mean geez, I had to outright bluntly ask 3 doctors that if by waiting a few weeks would I seriously do any more damage to myself, and change the odds of surviving this. I was afraid of the answer to be honest. I don’t want to do more harm then what’s already been done by the cancer, but I seem not to be feeling any worse then I did a few weeks ago, despite the fact that I’m growing older anyway. I do get physically tired faster and do have some limitations on walking around.

For the first time since this whole thing started I feel like Sher and I are now slightly in control of the time, and destiny that I have left, and you know what?, it feels a hell of lot better. And I feel better (physically and mentally) for it. I don’t like being hurried, rushed or pushed along someone else’s time schedule on a good day, let alone a time like this. First off, if I only have “x” amount of time left, then I’m spending it my way, and secondly, I’m not leaving my family in a position that they were, and are not, at least somewhat prepared for. Now that’s not chivalry, that’s common sense!

That’s what Sher and I did over this past week. We took back control of the situation and are preparing for it under our own time schedule, and we’ll move forward when we’re ready. That goes for the whole family thing too. They can keep the “hurry up” thing for the emergency room, and especially if it’s not gonna make a “bean of a difference” in my health. Why would anyone want to “rush” into a situation like this? I realized that I was taking more time to pick out what I’d be having for dinner, then what I’d be doing for the rest of life. That’s just not right, is it?

I don’t think they do it on purpose, although you never know, there’s a lot of money in these big operations and therapies. I think they just don’t realize that a few days lead time on altering an entire life that took 57 years of being built upon, just can’t be done so quickly. We spent more time and energy picking out the new car we just bought then what we’re doing with Bob’s life. It can’t be that way.

If you ever face anything like this yourself, unless it’s a true emergency and your health is totally dependent on a speedy decision, I have to recommend that you sit back a bit and think a little about what you’re doing.

These things take time to put together, not only in your mind and thoughts, but in the physical world too. If I went to proton therapy in Boston, well, I’d have to find a place to live for 8 ½ weeks Monday though Friday. Where am I supposed to sleep? In the parking garage of the Proton Center? No! this has to all be arranged ahead of time and that takes time.

And yeah, I feel lucky today, because I still have some time.

BTW … Alberic spent some time at the beach last week. Today he drew me a picture of a giant shark (showing his teeth) next to a little boat. I wonder what he was thinking.

Another thing I wanted to mention today was that I received quite a few emails today from folks. I thank you all. I also want to thank James T. for including Sher in his prayer circle.

Oh and another thing, just one more, I promise. Harry M. sent me an article about VT’s Gov. Jim Douglas and that he’s not running for office again, and then he asked if I was going to! Well, you know, if weren’t for the fact that its so expensive to run and that I don’t want to take money from corporation to win, I’d just might do it. Even from my wheelchair!

And stay out of the handicap parking spaces!

Where the hell’s my cup of mushroom tea?