Chondrosarcoma – ah shit, bob's sick

For the first time in three months, I feel like I have enough time to relax and sit back a bit. You know every week when I race back to Vermont for the weekend and then race back to Boston for treatment, I never feel like I really get a rest … the time is simply too short. It’s been wonderful to spend a few hours this weekend … just thinking, and thinking clearly.

But to be straight with you … I don’t want to rest, that’s not what I’m looking for. I feel more compelled then ever to move forward, and to move fast, and begin accomplishing some of the things that I’ve always wanted to do.

Yes I’m disappointed in the amount of work I’ve been able to do while being treated, but I have to continue treatment and it must come first at the moment. But I don’t expect that to last forever. Someday, and someday soon, this’ll all be over, and my life will be returned to me, for however long is left on my clock … and believe me, this treatment has bought me some time. I don’t know how much, the Doc don’t know how much … but definitely some. Six moths, a year, five years? … who know, who cares? I’m here now.

You know, and I’m sure I’ve mentioned many times on this blog before, that when this cancer struck, I wasn’t finished with my life. Quite the opposite actually, I felt like I was just reaching some sort of plateau in life where finishing things was easier and faster then ever before. Programming came easier, art became easier, humor and all the other things that form my life, were coming easier then ever before.

Over the last few years I’d been able to multi-task better, cleaner and to a degree of satisfaction that I’ve never personally reached before. That’s what I hoping I can return to.

But one might ask …” well, what’s your prognosis, Bob” … I say “death in the end, just like yours” … and that’s totally true, death will stop us all in the end. So, having a solid prognosis allows me to return to work and continue in what ever direction I wish. And yep, I’m in a hurry.

There’s an old saying that says “the best way to kill time, is to work it to death”, well … isn’t that what we’re all doing? killing time, killing time until we die. Think about it.

I guess I could sit in a chair (killing time) and let the world go on around me, but that’s not what I’m choosing. I want to accomplish things and I have a ton of them that I haven’t gotten to do yet. I’ve had things stuck in my head for years, and I feel like they’re about to pour out suddenly and uncontrollably. I have more poems and songs to write, stories to tell, programs to program, art to create and lot’s and lot’s of work to do. I have several photography projects I’d like to do, a million people I’d like to interview and that’s just the beginning. No, I’m not ready to slow down, nor stop, nor die. Not yet. There’s just too much to do.

So hang in there (I tell myself), … in a few more short weeks, hopefully Iyou’ll be back and with the most energy I’ve ever had. With a few “adjustments” in life, you’re going to move forward and get out of this mess. That’s the plan.